Archive for » June, 2009 «

June 27th, 2009 | Author:

Forgiveness is a topic that is weighing heavily on my mind this weekend, prompted by a call between my stepmother and myself – a conversation where the things coming out of my mouth surprised even me.

So some history – there are a few posts here about the things my brother has done that sent our relationship spiralling completely into the pits of non-existence.  There were lies told about events (so he wouldn’t look so bad, I suppose) and horrible things said to members of my family.  Phone calls from the mother, where in between sobs she said over and over again “I don’t know this person, he’s not the son I raised.”

Fast forward, somehow, in the bottomless depths of her heart, my mother has managed to … if not forgive, then to move forward.  She missed her son, she wanted a relationship with him, and oh my god, I so get that.  As much as TheKidlet makes me crazy some days, I can’t even fathom her not being a part of my daily existence.  So my mom makes an effort.  And I love that about her.

The effort may not be completely reciprocated, but she tries.  And … she’s a mother, she wants her entire family to get along and be close and be happy that we’re related.  This past weekend was an example of that – Pam and TheKidlet are in town, BigBrother; come have dinner with us.  Mmmkay.  I’m too hungover to argue, and it makes her happy.  Then she extends an invitation to my nephew’s boot camp graduation next month to BigBrother and SisterInLaw and my mind really started just reeling.

Let me take one second here to shout from the rooftops just how freakin’ proud I am of my nephew.  After a pretty rocky and non-spectacular start to adulthood, I think he is finally getting it together, and he joined the National Guard.   And by all accounts, he’s doing really well with it.  I cannot wait to attend his graduation and cheer him on as he moves forward with this phase in his life.

OK, back to the situation with BigBrother.  Part of the issue leading to my disassociation from BigBrother surrounds the nephew.  I don’t really want to get into details but when nephew really needed BigBrother in his life, BigBrother was not only not there but seemingly tried to alienate anyone who might have been there for his son.  This is a concept that is totally foreign to me in so many respects that trying to articulate my reaction to it is frustrating in and of itself.  I’ve just tried to be there when nephew has needed to talk, when he has cried to me, when my mom has cried to me over the situation.

My initial reaction was “Nephew doesn’t WANT BigBrother at his graduation.”  But I haven’t heard those exact words, so I sent a message to nephew, asking his preferences.

And in discussing this with my stepmother, who is an excellent sounding board for things because mainly she just LISTENS while I work things out in my head out loud, I realized:  I am no longer angry with my brother.  I don’t approve of what he did, and I haven’t forgiven him for the choices he made.  And I have no burning desire to have him be a part of my life because of the non-forgiveness.  I don’t have the time, or inclination to deal with the drama that was involved before I walked away.

On the flip side – he’s my big brother.  And I adored him for 34 years.  And I always wanted him to be a part of my life.  I’m sad that my daughter doesn’t really realize who he is – she asked me this weekend if he had any kids, and should she wish him a Happy Father’s Day.  She never remembers that he’s my brother.  He’s a part of my history that no one else can be.  He’s a part of my heritage that now has a big gaping hole.  And I miss the man that he was before all of this started.  Is he that man again?  I don’t know, I don’t have any indication that he is.

My mind is wandering today, thinking I should send him an email or facebook message or something and tell him “I’m not angry anymore, I just need an apology for the lies told about me.  And an assurance that you will go out of your way to never hurt your mother or your son the way you did 3 years ago.”  The problem with this is that as far as I can tell, he has never admitted to any wrong-doing during that time.  And if he comes back and says that he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong, well – the anger will come back all over again, I’m sure.  And …. I got no time or patience for that.  I don’t know if I can forgive without apology.

So I’m back to my original question of the day:  How much forgiveness do I have in my heart this weekend?

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June 24th, 2009 | Author:

Last weekend, after weeks of helping on the committee, I attended my 20 year high school reunion.

Wait…. it’s been 20 years?

I’m sure that  there are a million blog posts, newspaper articles, magazine pieces, etc- that are bemoaning the passage of 20 years since one graduated from high school.  It’s an event that in one single weekend, proves to you that you are, in fact, and adult – and older.

It wasn’t that everyone looked older.  It wasn’t that we all had drinks in our hands without fear of the po-po coming to arrest us for Minor in Possession.  It wasn’t that very few of us got carded at the bar.

It wasn’t that the lack of sleep, sun from the beach, and two late nights took much longer to recover from than they used to.

It wasn’t the 24 year olds who felt determined to try and out-drink us.  And it wasn’t that they failed.

It wasn’t that I couldn’t dance as many songs in a row as I used to.  It wasn’t the 100+ degree heat on both nights and during the days at the beach.

It wasn’t the sunburns as a result of that massive heat wave.

It was that it felt so damned good to be home.

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June 13th, 2009 | Author:

… is that the right word?  I’m feeling too lazy to go look it up.

I have tons of things going on the past few weeks, since we moved really, and every day something happens or I have this random thought and I think to myself:  “I have to blog about that.”

And then, I  ….. don’t.

This is odd because I’ve been fairly good at staying current on this thing, and writing about the mundane and trivial really is a release for me.  So even though it’s like the cause of me feeling tense and out of sorts – when one doesn’t have an outlet, what’s inside tends to fester, yes? – I don’t come here and write about whatever is writhing around inside my brain, and instead I do…. well, nothing.

I could write about how, I procrastinated until the very.last.minute (and I do mean the last day of school here, people) to check into camp for The Kidlet*.  And how, while I was waiting for the aftercare program director to call in a favor for me to get her into their summer camp program, I recounted how The Kidlet had been uber-bratty that morning and she looked at me and with that drawl and determination that only true southern women can display said “Yep – she needs to come back to the program.  We’ll take care of that problem right quick.”  And how that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Or how Delilah and Smidgen are still fighting and aloof kitty is still hiding but coming out a bit more – and that means for like 3 minutes per day until someone breathes and it startles her and she runs away again.  And how the rescue organization that I got Delilah from is not being timely about sending her shot records to me, and without those I can’t get her nails trimmed or do things like take her to the obedience class that I’ve registered us for, and hey- we sadly have to put her in a kennel while we go to my 20 year high school reunion and guess what, they won’t take her without proof of rabies either.  So by the 16th if I haven’t badgered them into giving me the records I will have to have her re-vaccinated and what a pain, for both of us, right?

* Back to camp for The Kidlet.  So months ago, before we even moved, I printed out a list of what YMCA camps I wanted to send The Kidlet to.   DaHubby said he would pick up the application the next time he went to work out.  The weekend before the last day of school, he starts in on me about having not registered her for camp.  I’m all like “DUDE, you did NOT bring me the APPLICATION like you said you would.” and he was all like “You haven’t left the house since then?” even though when I leave the house I almost NEVER go near a YMCA yet during the few times he has worked out since we moved it has been INSIDE the YMCA.  OK, whatever, so he gets all pissy and says “Don’t worry about it, I will take care of it.”  Then the NIGHT  BEFORE the last day of school he says …. “So did you get her registered for camp or what?” OHNOYOUDIDNT.  So we worked out a plan of attack and then the next morning on the way to her last day of school, The Kidlet says in a fit of maturity “I should go to the aftercare program camp at my new school so I can meet people from my new school before I start.”   Well, dayum.  And it turns out that all of the people working at her new school for camp are the ones who worked at her 2nd grade school so she knows them, and half her friends are going to that school for camp, too.  It’s like the perfect adjustment situation.

AND I bet that, since she will be there every day and that means *I* will be there at least once a day, that I will have her registered at that school for 3rd grade BEFORE the day before school starts!   W00T!

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June 04th, 2009 | Author:

Because no matter how much I try, and how much I try to re-direct my brain, it happens every time.

I look at this:

and I hear in my head:

Hey there Delilah
What’s it like in New York City?
I’m a thousand miles away
But girl, tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can’t shine as bright as you
I swear it’s true

The saddest part is that I found the tune to be kind of catchy when it came out but then after I heard it for like the 90 millionth time, I hated. that. fucking. song.  And now, it goes through my mind about 90 million times a day.  Shoot me now.

So the new dog is here, and she’s a beauty, and a handful.  Obedience classes start June 16.  And I think it’s possible that Smidgen may forgive me by that point, but not likely that Omega will have come out from under the bed by that point.  There were at least five Mexican standoffs today, which would normally be “Okay, let them work it out” time except for damnit – Smidgen was SITTING ON ME.  And USING HER CLAWS.  I am covered in scratches.  We have moved forward because for the first two days, Smidgen wouldn’t come out of the bedroom.  From under the covers.  I finally forced the issue this morning and brought her downstairs (mainly because she wasn’t eating) and then we ended up with the almost-altercations today.  I say almost, because it really was like this:

Dog:  ooh look!  Kitty! Kitty!  Oooh!  (sniff, sniff)

Cat:  hiss growl hiss scratch hiss climb up mommy’s head  hiss scratch growl

Dog:  WTF? (cock head to side and look confused)

Lather , rinse, repeat.

So now there seems to be some kind of uneasy co-existence, at least for the night.  They’re on separate couches and if  (Hey There) Delilah comes within 18 inches of where Smidgen is she hisses and gives him a dirty look and then goes about contemplating the universe.  I presume within a couple of days her fur will smooth back down, too.

OK, so Random Aside.  It seems that some scammer person wants to help us rent out our house in Maine but they didn’t tell us about it (0r you know, the tenants that are living in that house at the moment).  And they were going to rent it for WAY LESS than our mortgage payment.  AND they claimed that my wonderful JEWISH husband was in AFRICA for the next four years, spreading the word of Christ.  Uhm.  Yup.  So our property management company has an eagle eye and  saw the listing on Craigslist, she a) sent the scammer an email; b) called  DaHubby; and c) notified Craigslist to remove it.  Craigslist removed the listing, and the scammer emailed with the above detail about the good Rev (not RABBI) Schwartz being in Africa and needing a tenant ASAP for the house.  (Again, note that we already HAVE tenants.)  Holy crap.  I can only imagine the mess that would have resulted had anyone responded to that ad and gone through a “rental” process.  I got no time in my life to deal with THAT kind of drama.

Annnnnd I’m pretty much happy with the top 20 choices on “So You Think You Can Dance”.  I felt bad for the one kid whose dance troupe wouldn’t let him out of his contract to be in the top 20.  But overall, it’s gonna be a great season.

Oh, and I’ve been accepted to  University of North Carolina at Greensboro.